At what point is it time to give in? It’s understood that love can only get you so far. I take full accountability for my mistakes. If there is blame, I’ll shoulder the bulk of it. Here we are… almost 2 years later still fighting about things as if they happened months ago. Some days it seems we’ll be able to move forward, finally- and then it seems almost every few days there’s an episode that brings us back to as shaky of ground as we’ve known.
I believe relationships are friendships. I believe if you can’t simply be happy with the person you’ve decided to dedicate all your time to- it’s the wrong person. As we wrapped The Last Five Years, we almost purposely put aside the similarities between the couples. I’d hear the question “are we Jamie and Cathy?” a few times, and I would only hope to myself that she could see their path as an example. The lyrics from “If I Didn’t Believe in You” are as clear as they come… “Don’t we get to be happy? At some point down the line- don’t we get to relax?”
There’s always something to be upset about. And there’s usually a rationalizing of it like “well, this week it was bad because of….”… then it’s bad 2 weeks from then because of …. and then again because of… never ending cycle.
Oddly enough I hear talks and suggestions of forever… engagements… even kids. While we can’t go an entire week without having a night where she seems to hate me. If things don’t change. If they don’t stay at a steady course toward promising health- it’s impossible to even consider any of these things. But every day I’m here. Hoping things do get better. As I have been for close to 2 years. Hoping. But they aren’t. I often wonder just how naive I am to think it will somehow. I know most people would have called it a loss and moved on, but when the days are good- they’re so damned good. Sometimes it seems worth the trade. But it isn’t good. Not this. Not for either of us. We deserve better. And we should seek better. If not within ourselves, we should be honest about it and find it elsewhere.
But I’ll keep hoping some miracle happens and she lets it go. She stops obsessing over people that never mattered. Maybe. But if not- I hope she finds someone that does it right from day one. When happy, she’s the most beautiful human in the world. Which is why i can’t stand to see her hurting and knowing I’m the root for much longer.